| How
the Goal-den Boot was won!
I have had
several requests from Saints personnel to give a brief account of my
season, from the perspective of a successful goalscoring machine.
At first I was quite embarrassed, I mean grown men sobbingly approaching
you and asking you to teach them how to slot away a 30 yarder as if you
were on the six yard line with an open goal is not the kind of thing
that one can teach. I had to explain with blushing cheeks that you
have to be born with that sort of talent! For whatever reason, God,
Vishna, Allah, or who ever you believe in reached out there long arm
when the stork was delivering me to me ma and pa and blessed my right
foot with the kind of accuracy usually reserved for Exorcet Missiles!
I mean I'm
not one to boast, as most of the Saints players know, I just quietly go
about my business, knocking in goals from seemingly impossible
angles. I don't fret or fuss, the epitome or the Zen footballer
you might say!
Anyway, my
secrets, you asked for them, now you are gonna get them I hope you are
ready:
1 -
Everytime I put the line in the water I say a hail mary, and everytime I
say a hail mary I catch a fish
2 - I always
put my right sock on before my left, my left foot smells the worst and I
want to delay going near it as long as possible.
3 - The
night before I play a game I like to make love to a beautiful woman, but
I can never find one and go to bed alone, which might explain why I have
so much energy on a Sunday.
4 - When I
shoot at goal I am imagining the ball is an ex-girlfriend's head! I have
been told I kick the ball too hard, is that possible? I would say not
hard enough........the bitch! Sob!
5 - I once
made a fake sick in home ec, just before a school assembly, it basically
consisted of porridge, carrots, and some rather foul smelling cheese all
blended together, I then gave it to my mate Simon who hid it in his
jacket and threw it over the balcony after making puking noises.
He was suspended for 3 days and nearly expelled and it was al my idea
and he didn't say a word, fair play!!
Now
you know all my secrets, I don't want anyone to think they can get
anywhere near me next season, Im fit and lean and gunning for a 40 goal
season next year. As well as that I'm blessed with the kind of
talent that attracts large cheque books and even larger contracts. And
before you say it I am talking about football and no I'm not a bloody
rent boy!!!!
Gareth
West
Footballing Genious
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